I started this blog back in 2010,
and wrote three small pieces, of no real note, one is still on the site just as
a reference as to where I came from. I
restarted the blog because I was told that I need to express myself and connect
with people in a broader way. I decided to take back up the RPG blog, because
it is what I know. It has been a constant in my life, for a majority of it. I
started when I was nine years old, and thirty years later it is still here. I
have traveled all over to play and run games, and supported with my meager
funds companies that I enjoy. I am an educator by trade, and I love teaching
people new concepts, and helping students become better people. I state all of
this as a representation of how much this hobby has meant to me, and how much I
enjoy sharing it with others.
This week was a gut punch, not an
unexpected one, but a gut punch none the less. We have to go back about six
years to just before my son was born. My wife and I were super excited as most
new parents are at that time. We were also extremely nervous, which is also par
for the course. We both had our things we wanted to share with the boy, and we
purchased many of them and put them away for when he was old enough. My wife
has an extreme love of books, and especially picture books, which we have an
entire large chest. I went ahead and purchased some great starter RPGs and
hobby games that would be perfect for him once he was old enough. I painted miniatures
that I still have not used, waiting for the day we would bust them out and I
would get to share my passion with my son. Wait until he gets to the same age I
was, and get him into that Heroquest box set I got again. I heard from many
gamers that Space Hulk was a good first game for kids and I purchased that too.
I even hunted down some old AD&D books and modules for that perfect time to
introduce him to the Caves of Chaos.
That is not going to happen though.
When Atticus (my son) was about
one, I noticed something was a bit off. I taught Psychology for years, and you
discuss milestones in children, and he was not hitting his milestones. He could
not hold his own bottle, he was not babbling in a manner appropriate for his
age, and he did not responded to loud noises appropriately. At first we thought
he was deaf, we could drop a large book from 5 feet up directly behind him and
he would not respond. We took him to his doctor, and we heard for the first
time the preliminary diagnosis, autism. We were told to get him tested and into
therapy as soon as possible, this would give him the best chance of maximizing
his potential. We did as we were told, and he has been in some form of
treatment since he was a year and six months old. We have had hearing test, allergies
tests, brain scans, genetic tests, and ear tube surgery. Speech therapy, ABA
therapy, and Occupational Therapy, with visits to more specialist than you can
imagine. He has done private programs at great cost, and public ones with
little to no cost. We’ve seen quack specialist that promised improvement with
simple supplements, and we’ve been gluten, soy, and casein free for years. I
say this not to pat myself on the back, but to express that we have tried any
and everything, even when it sounded ridiculous, to help him.
My son is now five and a half, and
is having to prepare for school next year, and still cannot talk. We discussed
with his therapist options, and they are now suggesting for him to get a
communication device. Basically an iPad that he can push and express himself
more. This is, to us, the kiss of death as far as him ever being able to
communicate verbally. This is the last resort to get him to communicate in any
manner. This is now the crux of the issue. I cannot share my love of these
games with him, because they are games that fundamentally revolve around
communication. We will never travel the lands of Faerun together, or sail the
space lanes to The Rock of Braal.
I do not want this to come across
that I in anyway dislike my son, or love him ANY less. When you ramp up to
being a parent, you have certain expectations and certain hopes for your child,
and for the things you will do together. It is that aspect that I will miss.
Currently he is a VERY active little boy, which loves running, laughing, and
swimming more than anything. I am very grateful for him, and very grateful for
my wife, who takes all these things in stride better than I. I also know that
this feeling is transient and I will get past it, but writing this out and
expressing it to the world helps with the feelings a lot.
I am unsure how to end this, it was
not really planned, and is not really the focus of the blog. Life gets pretty
real at moments, at least I can retreat back into a fantasy world every now and
again to help with those times.